One more try... for putopia

I am posting here, because I know if anyone reads this, it will be you.

I know I'm not supposed to ask for you back, seeing as you're happy, healthy, making good choices, being a great person, and with a great person. When I see you, I can tell there is respect, fondness, but no adoration. I appreciate the respect, but am desperate to look into your eyes and tell you I love you more than anything on this earth.

Please come back to me. I have learned so many lessons. Heavy ones... but light ones too... we can have fun! Go on biking adventures! Cheap food explorations! We can go to Paris and really do it right this time! We can dress our cat up in funny outfits--he really misses that! We can talk about ideas, but also we can finally have honest conversations about how to really love and appreciate each other. We can also conspire to make all of those around us, as happy as they deserve to be. I love and appreciate you so much, which I failed to do enough of in our still wonderful seven years together. I think you're cute, sexy, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, exciting. I love that mole on your cheek, your farmer's tan that never fades, your feet, the way you say your farts are like death leaving your body!!!!

I promise I will never fail to appreciate any of this, ever again. I promise to respond every time you touch me. I promise to not let my insecurities get in the way of loving you. I promise to REALLY FORGIVE, because I've learned the hardest way what forgiveness really takes. It is a profound act of faith, trust and generosity that you have always granted me. There is no one better than you. More than anything I appreciate the thought you put into the world, but am appreciating more and more the thought you put into your own life, and the thought you put into your relationships with other people. I am asking for something impossible, for something that would require that you be an asshole, and to hurt someone that doesn't deserve to be hurt. It is so unfair of me to ask for this.

I am sorry for so much... all of the pain. But I am also grateful for so much, that despite it all you still want to be my friend. It is because of all this generosity that I've realized exactly what it is that I've lost, and it is the greatest loss I've ever experienced.

You are about to arrive at our place, to pick up the last load of your things...

If you never read this again... it is no one's fault but my own. I wanted to try one more time because my efforts in the past have been pitiful, small and selfish. I am ready to put into this the biggest effort I am capable of... and more... I could move a mountain right now with the love I have for you...I promise this time I'll be generous, strong and loving because I love you and I always will. You are the love of my life.

I love you.
Diana

There are waves of happy memories interrupting the weight of total humility.
Seeing you in chicago was so nice... you had that opera mail address... and I had a hotmail address... it was that long ago!!! I wish I could retrieve those stupid emails when I said I was all about "feeling."
Talking about modern art on the roof of the Pompidou... I can't believe that was you.
Halloween in DürHam... when we fought over the use of the bear head.
That funny folding bike you got me, the tandem bike that I never got to see! I regret so much not visiting you more... no excuses... I should have visited you more.
Our pet bettas... kissing through the milk bottle glass... did we ever name them?
Biking to Maine, unable to find a sufficiently awesome kayak experience, and missing the best lobster roll while eating crappy food across the street... but still there were good lobster rolls.
The beautiful day we made bean and cheese burritos by the Hudson on our 2nd day of the tour.
biking... so much biking... so wonderful to bike
Crabu grahib + oyster hunting + blackberry picking
The warm October day... of an Indian summer that we sat on top of rat rock... when we first started dating... I felt so content, indescribably happy despite everything happening in my life and a day not so long after that day when we took a nap for half of the day looking out of the window in our shared twin bed... I've made such a big deal out of the idea of me being a convenience to you... but in truth I would have never made it through without you.
Biking in London
Bonding with the people who were listening to Leonard Cohen on an adjacent camp site... at that totally weird camping place... only to charm them out of their firewood... which never ignited.
The barrier islands... the beautiful beach... that you skipped your first day of school ever to share this day with me. Thank you for reminding me.
The cooter washer and that shitty hotel and almost escaping having not paid for a night (so ashamed!)
Cooking
Pork and radish stew
Saving hermano from the streets!
Pupusas
Building bookshelves.... and then again... and then again...
How you kicked ass in the messenger olympics... beating all those hipster douche bags.
Hitting every book store possible in every city
Hating on Madrid - it wasn't SO bad
Loving ondarroa - komunak!
Whispering to each other through the richard serras at the Guggenheim Bilbao
Almost shuffling off this mortal coil @ Playa Laga...
Pimientos del padron
That habañero stuffed olive at Fairway
Sitting outside of that cafe when they were closed just to steal their internet connection... submitting my abstract for the "other spaces" conference from there.
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY - how to reconstitute a hollandaise (...you were always there to save me).
Fried chicken
Your sliders and sticky sweet ribs
When you told the French panini maker that you wanted "dos" paninis.
You were so good with my brother, and my parents... they miss you
Finally going to the SPAM museum... what took us so long?
Christmas with your fam
You and Scott with the same bike... hangin' with Scott in those early days...
Randomly, almost miraculously finding Zaha Hadid's office.
The uphill climb to Blue Hill... the impossibly delicious strawberry jam!
Feeling my brain grow just being next to you.
Dong told me that while we were dating you would tell him how much you liked me... I've retroactively inserted that into my memories.