it's like you don't exist anymore. I haven't heard from you in months.

You were always so gentle and so cold. I loved throwing my arms around you, after not having seen you in a long time. I always made the mistake of taking you for granted when you were around. And then I would desperately search for your smell, all around the apartment when you left. I was afraid I'd go through life without anyone ever telling me I was beautiful, but didn't realize I could start out by saying, "you're beautiful," instead of narcissistically pining away. I miss sunny days when we were together. I miss how great you are at being in the winter. Winter seems so long without you. I want it to be warm so I can forget more easily. I'll wake up today and act like nothing is happening. But I still miss you so much.

It helps.

Amazingly this helps. It's working! I'm actually out of the house and doing some work... but felt strange for a moment— so I'm writing here now. I'm in the Buell Center grading student papers. Well at the very least it is a temporary salve. Whenever I feel the impulse to email Eric, I just write here, to the virtual Eric I suppose. I am starting to feel totally comfortable with how pitiful this all sounds. There is something liberating about being so candid... even though no one reads this blog. I also wonder, what if someone did read this blog?

I guess the resentment isn't all gone. It's hard not to get sucked into the tit for tat that is a part of every break up I suppose. I'm not sure what to say about that.

When we broke up I thought this wave of melancholy would never come, and I was slightly relieved though more disturbed that I didn't feel more upset at first. Now I'm upset. But getting through this is good I suppose... I can invoke all sorts of metaphors for what stage I'm at right now in this 'process'... and am feeling more comfortable with the shitty break up lexicon... "process" may be the worst, probably because it's the most true.

Anyway, I will always regret that we didn't have more processes during our relationship.

third post before 8.30 am

Hermano... hipsterified

After George I felt like heavy emotions had to be dealt with in almost business like ways, that was the only way I could possibly hold myself together. I wasn't able to deal with my own sadness until many years later. I'm glad there was you, and am strangely grateful for this break up. If not for this last week I would have never learned any of the important lessons I feel like I had to learn, and I might have had a hardened and pragmatic heart forever. Despite everything that is painful my heart has expanded and includes you in whatever form you want to take in it.

My question is this... why could I not see that all you wanted was the same tenderness that I wanted? That with everything I did for you, all the "help" I gave to you I expected some great prize-- your loving adoration. I understand something now about mutual adoration. I already told you how I hate the fact that our seven years has been reduced to an object lesson. But I know it is much more than that.

Dough March

While waiting in Natalie's mom's car for you to finish bringing down your boxes Doug Martsch played a major role in a minor breakdown. I pretty much had it on repeat the whole time... An idea did battle with consuming sadness as I thought about how I might learn a string instrument well enough to be able to play this for you, perhaps your ukelele.

eight long years
you've been here
still you stay with me
still you stay with me

all i share all you bare
still you stay with me
still you stay with me

gentle words go unheard
still you stay with me
still you stay with me

when it's rough call my bluff
still you stay with me
still you stay with me

darlin please on my knees
will you stay with me
will you stay with me

unbearable lightness

father poo, where art thou?
and the day after you left...


Our cat is making muffins on my stomach. His whiskers have wet food particles still on them... there he goes licking himself...such a good self cleaner!

I just finished watching Inception with Alda. I think Ellen Page makes a pretty convincing architecture student-- Leonardo DiCaprio a decidedly unconvincing architect.

I've never been able to stay depressed for more than 20 hours at a time. Humor inevitably creeps in— to my own disgust. Humor at times like this feels like a lack of humanity. Tenderness towards our cat however always feels nice. Predictably the intensity of the movie induced inappropriate laughter. I spent most of the movie thinking about the inconsistencies of the dream construction and wondering how many of the architectural references were intentional... for example the name "Eames."

I know you will not choose me. I can beg you not to throw seven years away for a fresh start... but I know how delicate love is. It's difficult to accept considering how resilient our love was for so long. Because you are unfailingly loyal to the people you love I know you will not ever get bored of the person you're with, will never lose faith in them, will have an unlimited amount of trust in them, will see them in the best light always despite their foibles.

I can fantasize about being manipulative and having it work... but I realize that manipulative people are never smart enough. There will be no convincing you, but still there is a tiny tiny little now unmoored island (you know the name of this island) that we build our future on ... I'm laughing at myself now, because you know how much I hate myself at times like this. Anyway, I don't really care about how cheesy I'm being... I am a cheeseball, a cheeseball for you.

Stay with me.

ok... another try.

You are about to leave for London, are about to form even more fond new memories that will make ours seem even more distant. Please keep a little spot in your heart for me. When you walk around in the park think about how we took a nap in front of Rem's serpentine and stumbled across an office... and when you go to the Tate, remember the rainy day we stared at Eliasons's huge mirrored ceiling.

One more try... for putopia

I am posting here, because I know if anyone reads this, it will be you.

I know I'm not supposed to ask for you back, seeing as you're happy, healthy, making good choices, being a great person, and with a great person. When I see you, I can tell there is respect, fondness, but no adoration. I appreciate the respect, but am desperate to look into your eyes and tell you I love you more than anything on this earth.

Please come back to me. I have learned so many lessons. Heavy ones... but light ones too... we can have fun! Go on biking adventures! Cheap food explorations! We can go to Paris and really do it right this time! We can dress our cat up in funny outfits--he really misses that! We can talk about ideas, but also we can finally have honest conversations about how to really love and appreciate each other. We can also conspire to make all of those around us, as happy as they deserve to be. I love and appreciate you so much, which I failed to do enough of in our still wonderful seven years together. I think you're cute, sexy, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, exciting. I love that mole on your cheek, your farmer's tan that never fades, your feet, the way you say your farts are like death leaving your body!!!!

I promise I will never fail to appreciate any of this, ever again. I promise to respond every time you touch me. I promise to not let my insecurities get in the way of loving you. I promise to REALLY FORGIVE, because I've learned the hardest way what forgiveness really takes. It is a profound act of faith, trust and generosity that you have always granted me. There is no one better than you. More than anything I appreciate the thought you put into the world, but am appreciating more and more the thought you put into your own life, and the thought you put into your relationships with other people. I am asking for something impossible, for something that would require that you be an asshole, and to hurt someone that doesn't deserve to be hurt. It is so unfair of me to ask for this.

I am sorry for so much... all of the pain. But I am also grateful for so much, that despite it all you still want to be my friend. It is because of all this generosity that I've realized exactly what it is that I've lost, and it is the greatest loss I've ever experienced.

You are about to arrive at our place, to pick up the last load of your things...

If you never read this again... it is no one's fault but my own. I wanted to try one more time because my efforts in the past have been pitiful, small and selfish. I am ready to put into this the biggest effort I am capable of... and more... I could move a mountain right now with the love I have for you...I promise this time I'll be generous, strong and loving because I love you and I always will. You are the love of my life.

I love you.
Diana

There are waves of happy memories interrupting the weight of total humility.
Seeing you in chicago was so nice... you had that opera mail address... and I had a hotmail address... it was that long ago!!! I wish I could retrieve those stupid emails when I said I was all about "feeling."
Talking about modern art on the roof of the Pompidou... I can't believe that was you.
Halloween in DürHam... when we fought over the use of the bear head.
That funny folding bike you got me, the tandem bike that I never got to see! I regret so much not visiting you more... no excuses... I should have visited you more.
Our pet bettas... kissing through the milk bottle glass... did we ever name them?
Biking to Maine, unable to find a sufficiently awesome kayak experience, and missing the best lobster roll while eating crappy food across the street... but still there were good lobster rolls.
The beautiful day we made bean and cheese burritos by the Hudson on our 2nd day of the tour.
biking... so much biking... so wonderful to bike
Crabu grahib + oyster hunting + blackberry picking
The warm October day... of an Indian summer that we sat on top of rat rock... when we first started dating... I felt so content, indescribably happy despite everything happening in my life and a day not so long after that day when we took a nap for half of the day looking out of the window in our shared twin bed... I've made such a big deal out of the idea of me being a convenience to you... but in truth I would have never made it through without you.
Biking in London
Bonding with the people who were listening to Leonard Cohen on an adjacent camp site... at that totally weird camping place... only to charm them out of their firewood... which never ignited.
The barrier islands... the beautiful beach... that you skipped your first day of school ever to share this day with me. Thank you for reminding me.
The cooter washer and that shitty hotel and almost escaping having not paid for a night (so ashamed!)
Cooking
Pork and radish stew
Saving hermano from the streets!
Pupusas
Building bookshelves.... and then again... and then again...
How you kicked ass in the messenger olympics... beating all those hipster douche bags.
Hitting every book store possible in every city
Hating on Madrid - it wasn't SO bad
Loving ondarroa - komunak!
Whispering to each other through the richard serras at the Guggenheim Bilbao
Almost shuffling off this mortal coil @ Playa Laga...
Pimientos del padron
That habañero stuffed olive at Fairway
Sitting outside of that cafe when they were closed just to steal their internet connection... submitting my abstract for the "other spaces" conference from there.
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY - how to reconstitute a hollandaise (...you were always there to save me).
Fried chicken
Your sliders and sticky sweet ribs
When you told the French panini maker that you wanted "dos" paninis.
You were so good with my brother, and my parents... they miss you
Finally going to the SPAM museum... what took us so long?
Christmas with your fam
You and Scott with the same bike... hangin' with Scott in those early days...
Randomly, almost miraculously finding Zaha Hadid's office.
The uphill climb to Blue Hill... the impossibly delicious strawberry jam!
Feeling my brain grow just being next to you.
Dong told me that while we were dating you would tell him how much you liked me... I've retroactively inserted that into my memories.

well, as predictable we haven't really posted much. eric's actually started a new blog... but I still like this one. again, much has happened since the last post. eric is teaching at hofstra in long island and a I am now knee deep in academia. above are some random selections from the summer... bike trip to randall's island, day trip to the gunks with mountain laurel in bloom (that still life on the bottom is not staged, I really found it like that).

So alot has happened since our last entry. Eric left to fulfill his final teaching requirement (sad), Eric is coming back to New York in two weeks (happy!). i have been working for the Buell Center for a year and a half and am going to start the PhD at Columbia in the fall. We have a cat, name: hermano (see image above). We found him in Fort Greene part, or should I say, he found us. I'm going to be better about updating this blog regularly...